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Luca Guadagnino’s Suspiria Remake is an Evocative Nightmare (Thankfully)

ITS ABOUT F#%$!@& TIME 2018!!! DAMN F#%$!@& TIME!!! 

In a year full of disastrously diseheartenting movies, and only a handful of truly marvelous feature flicks, you can infer that I had forfeited my hopes of receiving anymore apical cinematic entries for the rest of the following two months we have left till this year’s official cease. Then, I saw Luca Guadagnino’s Suspiria and now, I don’t even care.

2018 is done folks. It has been terminated, no más, concluded, end of story. Suspiria has demolished it. DEMOLISHED IT. I am solemnly satisfied. This was all I had desired. 

For those who will find a deep-seated, affectionative infatuation for this movie—like I, myself, had—will have to lay the groundwork for the ebullient forthcoming of “the others”. People will hate and I mean, f’ing HATE this movie. I can already picture the headlines of triggered, ferocious IMDb users: 

“This Movie Makes No Sense!”

“I Don’t Get It??? Bad Film!!!”

“Why Old Man Sound Like Lady?”

“Where Jump Scares At?” 

“Left Theater Immediately After First Hour!”

“Stop Remaking Movies! I’m A Hip And Relevant Cinema-Geek!” 

“If I Don’t 100% Get Story Than I Don’t Like Movie Cause Thinking Is For Dweebs!!!” 

“Ugh…It’s Just Nonsensical Arthouse Bulls***…Again…” 

“Guadagnino Done With Gays And Ready With The Rampage??? I’M PROGRESSIVE!!!”

As much as I’m despondent by this marginally bloated assumption I have devised, I can “de facto” and whole-heartedly, completely get behind it. If you don’t favor obscure, unduly eerie, and furthermore, well vulgar, gory, violence, you will discover a rooted, animosity for Suspiria.

Guadagnino inherently perhaps, simply said, “F it. I’m fatigued of consulting preachy love tales. Let’s make the darkest, most diabolical, ‘Mephistophelian’ movie of the decade!” In my case, I quite fathom the kind of freako s*** that he has beared to this renewed imprint of Suspiria, so, alast.

There’s this special, little—okay, not necessarily little—collossal movie, that means so dear and darling to me, called Rosemary’s Baby, which is an undeniable mystery, thriller classic that was released back in ’68. Scant to no films have for some odd reason, tried to replicate Roman Polanski’s pragmatic yet, introspective verisimilitude (besides, maybe, The Exorcist). One reason Suspiria works like this, insidious charm, is because it reckons back to that design of atmospherical filmmaking—even more so than harkening back to the habits of the original Suspiria. This is a horror film that lustfully dances about every slender play of superlative routines it has to offer. Not only that, the flourish and extravaganzaness of its obsurdity is what makes its more capacious moments feel everlasting. It’s “guarenteed” to leave an impact on each audience member who witnesses it, each coming out with different pleasures and perspectives of its direction. This, effect, is what I consider to be a pure token of exquisite, extricating filmmaking. Make the audience conflicted, but conflicted with utter terror of what they had just endured with such philosophical ahh.

Suspiria features some of the, if not, maybe, the best editing for a thriller, tension-filled feature ever conceived. At first, it is arduous to get worn to, but once you’ve hustled into it—remember we have nearly more than two-and-a-half hours to establish it—you’re painstakingly locked in. The potency of filler-layers, brisk-cuts, and incisions between numerous of sequences replayed all within unison ensures this movie with an edging occupancy. Sir, Walter Fasano exlemplifies tension at heights never before scrutinized. And the SOUND DESIGN. F*** ME!  

I’ve dearly MISSED the broken, shaggy, camera zooming technique old movies used to utilize, and this movie benevolently delivers it back! The ruggidness and defilement of these camera methods all the more adds to the uncanny apprehension, but additionally, adds to the apparent 70s style of golden horror movie premonition Suspiria overtures. 

Guadagnino directed his freaking life and soul out onto this project, and visually, it shows. Not only, just, in terms of supervising the cinematographers, editors, and cameraman on how certain components will be borne about, but also, with his guidance among the many talented actresses and choreographers. The dancing choreography is Academy-Award-Winning worthy in its own rights. The actresses bleed their summit amounts of expertise into every waltz, every set of dialogue, and every moment of exemplary dread. 

Sidenote, but the costumes and set pieces are PULCHRITUDINOUS.

Can someone band together and manufacture a religion with me that worships Thom Yorke please? He’s actually a god. It’s hard to live up to the original, perfect Goblin score from the ’77 Suspiria, but he was damn close to resonating an almost as emblematic theme for Suspiria. Suspirium and Volk deserve Oscar nominations immediately. 

The third act is something I like to refer to as the “moneyshot”. Call it an unfair and inappropriate reckon to compare the focal point with, but it really is. After the amplifications have occurred, receiving such an excessively overcooked finale as the “desert” to such a tragic episode is what we horror fanatics invoke to as the climax deemed rewarding to us. This is a serial killer’s orgasm times one-hundred. 

So if you’re a part of the critically insane, I recommend this one highly! 

No joke, I wanted to hurl my guts out while witnessing Suspiria’s finale. Similar to how I felt about this year’s Mandy, Suspiria serves as an embodiment of the absolute peak filmmaking etiquette finesse can whop. I have to give points to Guadagnino. He’s crafted a legitiment, visible representation of a nightmare. So, would I claim it to be the brightest, most upmost horror finale of the century? Certainly, right next to Cabin in the Wood’s finale though, of course. 

Guadagnino Suspiria is a whole other beast from Dario Argento’s Suspiria, and, honestly, I think I favor it ever so slightly more than Argento’s, in a twisted, sort-of besmirched fashion. 

Additionally, this is how a remake SHOULD be done. You keep the basic premise vibrant, but you don’t pursue the story beat by beat. In fact, you make it EXCEEDINGLY offbeat from the original.

Like I said before, this movie is just shy of being two hours and fourty minutes and instantaneously, after the credits roled, I immediately had the desire to glimpse at it once more. I couldn’t care less how lengthy it was, it was “that” bewitching. 

I cannot stress this enough, but, Luca Guadagnino’s Suspiria is REAL horror. Arcane, and slightly pretentious horror? Yes. But sometimes the esoteric and pretentiousness is the very element that can make a film hair-raising. The unknown is what makes us, as humans, anxious. Why do you think I think Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is the scariest and by a long-shot, the best horror movie of all-time? Because I don’t know jack(haha, I know)-s*** what in God’s name happened! This movie relies on your confusion, your quaking unwillingness to understand the abnormality of realms nevermore delineated in this human world of witchcraft Guadagnino has birthed. As grotesque as that may sound, that’s frankly, a personal idiosyncrasy that sets me off during a horror movie.

The deft fuse of Guadagnino’s A-1 directing and the fervidly fueled fear that believe it or not, does contain an imposing message, is what makes me want to immediately see Suspiria after the film had halted. A fair warning to all: You will cringe, you will dismay, and you will awe during your viewing of this bloodful pornificiation of cinematic virtuosity whether you like it or not. Guaranteed. (Verdict: A)

You kids have no idea what you’re in for. No, no, no, you certainly don’t. 

Shoutout to the man sitting next to me who was scared s***less throughout the entirety of Suspiria. I could tell, he was having an excessively difficult time keeping it together. 

Have any of you’ve ever played with a Gumby toy before during your childhood? You’ll know what I’m blabbering about when you see the film, but Gumby makes a gracious cameo in one of the film’s most intense moments. 😈😈😈

So last year Guadagnino made the most beautiful movie of the year, Call Me By Your Name, and now, this year, he’s made the most repugnant movie of the year, Suspiria. This man genuinely interests me. 

I understand why Quentin Tarantino cried during this movie now. Let’s just say key word “gore,” and “Battle Royale vibes”. 

Some shots in the world of film are meant to stand out as “iconic”. The two shots where Susie Bannion and Madame Blanc are staring at each other from across the table at a restaurant (it’s in the trailer) was meant to be “iconic”.

Oh yeah, this is the best movie of 2018 so far. I have yet to see another feature beat it. Let’s see, what do we have left? Umm…Aquaman? Bumblebee? 😬😬😬

The subtitles are willy pwetty BTW.  

And the epilogue is low-key sweet too.

This Movie is a Part of My List: The 24 Best Horror Movies Of All-Time 

This Movie is a Part of My List: The Best Films of 2018

“Suspiria” will be released in theaters November 2, 2018.

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