Critiquing Film, Television, and More

Marathoning My Childhood: The Bionicle Movies (2003-2009)

Reviewing these movies may be jeopardizing my credibility as a film analysis writer—I know, I know—but I’ll do whatever it takes…to review my childhood. Bionicle is a primary staple of nostalgia beheld in my brain. I was addicted to this franchise of toys, books, video games, and movies like a toddler hooked on crack.

S*** that was uncalled for…

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Bionicle: The Mask of Light (2003)

Nostalgia Trip Part I of IV with @noahkrommen & @turnoffthebrightlights

Gosh, I wish I had recorded a commentary track of us reacting to this toxic, CGI hilariocity. I don’t want to be that guy, but if they had followed Greg Farshtey’s novels/comics beat by beat, this could’ve been much more than just a seventy-minute toy commercial. Gosh, I am such a dork.

Verdict: 1/5

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Bionicle: Legends of Metru Nui (2004)

Nostalgia Trip Part II of IV with @noahkrommen & @turnoffthebrightlights

Bionicle 2: Legends Of Metru Nui, in many cases, is the Empire Strikes Back of animated movies. It’s also as close as us fans will ever get to witnessing David Lynch’s Bionicle: The Return. I’m not even joking, this movie is low-key artsy for a LEGO movie. 

The architecture, lore, and quirk of this animated sequel are just phlebotomizing with a colorful vista that bends the line between children and adult fantasy/science-fiction leisure—the holy original watergate and tournament sequences ensure this to be true! Sure, the technicalities and writing don’t hold up whatsoever, but childhoods never die! 

Verdict: 2.5/5

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Bionicle: Web of shadows (2005)

Nostalgia Trip Part III of IV with @noahkrommen 

Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows is no Legends of Metru Nui, but it’s lightyears better than Mask of Light due to its heinous edge of “dark” tones. Veryyy kid-friendly. 

Bionicles, no joke, commit suicide in this movie… How did I not notice this s*** back when I was a kid? What the f…

Who knew Hot Topic would make a LEGO Bionicle movie this keen on Alien and Revenge of the Sith references? Recommended for the fans! 

Verdict: 2/5

I just found the cutest thing ever on IMDb. When I was doing research on Web of Shadows, I came across an old review I wrote for the movie back when I was twelve years old! Embarrassing but precious stuff!

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Bionicle: The Legend Reborn (2009)

Nostalgia Trip Part IV of IV with @noahkrommen

“Sorry, little one.” – Bionicle: The Legend Reborn 

So, believe it or not, quotes from Infinity War were inspired by the Bionicle movies. Who knew?

How is the animation significantly worse than the previous three movies made four or more years ago? Why do the Bionicle have human teeth in this? Why are the sound effects straight out of a royalty-free website?  Why are the axel pieces on the Bionicles always aggressively spinning but the animators can’t take the time to make anything in the background move? Why is the main hero surfing on a sandhill while rock music is playing? How does an hour-long movie feel like an eternity? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE???

We need Shakespeare back on this franchise ASAP. Bionicle: The Legend Reborn is the Crystal Skull of the Bionicle movies. Thank Mata Nui it’s all over now. 

Verdict: 0.5/5

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