Critiquing Film, Television, and More

RANT REVIEW: X-Men Dark Phoenix

X-Men Dark Phoenix is the fourth entry in Fox’s prequel (/sequel?) quadrilogy about the pre-21st-century legends of Xavier’s school of gifted, superpowered mutants and is the twelfth flick in Marvel’s convolutedly swamped franchise. Despite the fans and critics’ disappointingly cynical response to 2016’s X-Men Apocalypse, it’s clear even more so than ever that Fox has learned nothing from their previous mistakes when it comes to this newest and possibly final installment—that is until the property is handed off to the feeding-machine of Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe—in this elongated series.

X-MEN DARK PHOENIX IS H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S! This movie’s script is as horrendously shoddy as Fan4stic’s script. I AM NOT JOKING. Every strand of dialogue spoken in this flick killed me with laughter and every story element dispensed in this made absolutely scant to zero sense or was just purely unjustified. For example, the interactive sequences between primarily Jean and Xavier were basically like listening in on a toddler and a vapid life-coach converse and it was utterly hysterical!  I am still completely flabbergasted from what I have witnessed with this unintentional hilariocity!

The action, special effects, editing chops, artificially murky cinematography, and poor old Simon Kinberg’s—a writer/producer who I do moderately respect, so it hurts me to say this—directing in this movie are insufferably grubby. LITTLE TO NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE WORKS. THIS IS A HOT, HOT STEAMING PYRAMID OF RUBBISH. GLORY BE, PRODUCTION ISSUES REALLY CAN AFFECT A MOVIE’S QUALITY.

Now as amusing and as much of a good old time as this enormity sounds folks, Dark Phoenix, at the end of the night, isn’t entirely a comedic triumph. Whenever the film isn’t being unconsciously obtuse, it’s just being woefully boring. This is an hour and fifty-minute long movie that feels like the length of a singular season of a CW television show. None of the drama is intriguing, none of it is ever merited, and none of it, is particularly, driven with motives.

The only reason I’m obliged not to give this final chapter an “F” is simply because I do think a majority of the actors and actresses here at least tried, especially Sophie Turner—that poor soul had to cry, so, so, so many times in this flick. Sure, a lot of the acting appeared to be piss poor, but what more can you expect when a devoted crew is given such defective lines 24/7?

This movie makes X-Men Apocalypse look like a cinematic masterpiece. Wait, no. This movie makes X-Men Origins: Wolverine look like a cinematic masterpiece! This makes Air Bud look like the cinematic equivalent to The Godfather! And…and…this makes Batman & Robin look like…um…Batman & Robin. Yeah, there’s only so much you can do to make rock bottom not look like rock bottom.

Okay, enough with my unorthodox insults! I’m not going to downgrade the poor crew that had to work hours, days, weeks, and years on this project. In fact, I feel worse for them than I do for myself because I did somewhat have a ball with this mess. That being said, I can only imagine how disappointing it must be to be someone who devoted so much laborious time and sweat into an assignment only for it to turn out to be an absolute embarrassment. 

The good thing is that there’s always room to keep making more projects and for anyone who worked their butts off on this keep on doing what you love. A grand handful of you have toiled on phenomenal hits like X-Men: First Class or Days of Future Past and I still adore you all to bits for thrusting moxie into those delightful creations! Except you Bryan Singer. You can f*** off.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix is effortlessly one of the most disappointing sequels of 2019 and is perhaps the 2nd or 3rd worst 21st century comic-book movie I have ever witnessed. But parallel to my relationship with the cult phenomena The Room, I had so much fun watching it! Cheers! 

Verdict: D-

X-Men Dark Phoenix Drinking Game: Take a sip every time somebody says “good.” May God have mercy on your soul. 

This Movie is a Part of My List: Ranking the X-Men Films From Best to Worst

“Dark Phoenix” is now playing in theaters.

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