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Solo: A Star Wars Story REVISITED—for a Few LONG Paragraphs

2nd Viewing

I can vividly picture the lead, cooperate managers at Disney involved with the making of this tenth installment in the blindly worshipped Star Wars franchise…

There lies a few faceless men and women, barking orders and pointing fingers with their Mickey Mouse gloves on at talented teams of inspiring moviemakers. These are the kind of individuals who drink apple juice out of wine glasses just to give common folk the idea that they’re rich and successful. These are those upper-class evil villains you see in your favorite cartoons—ironically made by Disney—that twirl their Monopoly mustaches around in circles and celebrate in secret lairs after hearing they’ve just cracked another billion or so dollars at the box office—which luckily wasn’t the case for this movie. 

I could literally smell the Old Spice and DKNY fragrance on these masterminds oozing out of my television screen. 

These are the kinds of people who would fire creative artists such as Phil Lord and Chris Miller in order to keep tameness and artificial order amongst a once thriving franchise. They have die-hard Star Wars fans on puppet strings who won’t object to this sort of tasteless, vanilla filmmaking. More sadly, however, they have this generation of kids on puppet strings too. Just play the old Star Wars movies for your children, please. One viewing of A New Hope can save one desperate child who witnessed the forgettable shallowness of Solo

Okay, okay. Laughs and jokes aside…

Solo: A Star Wars Story is a prime example of a Mad Libs movie where the whole ordeal is completely reliant on your knowledge of Han Solo’s character from the original saga. The plot follows under the concept of “filling in the blanks” of the small, unnecessary things that were left unlearned about the smug, trouble-making character. If you were to remove all preexisting information on the character of Han Solo, this movie becomes absolutely nothing but an uninspired, over-budgeted, straight-to-DVD Hallmark adventure flick. 

“*beep* this *beep* *beep* movie!” – the real R2-D2

Verdict: D+

Star Wars Ranked

“Solo: A Star Wars Story” is now available to stream on Netflix.

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