It’s that depressing time of the year again, ladies and gentlemen, where I go over my top 10 least favorite movies of 2019. Disclaimer: I haven’t seen every dreadful act of wickedness this year so if a crappy movie that you absolutely despised didn’t show up on this list, don’t get upset; it’s probably not on here because I didn’t see it. Unless it’s High Life. I saw that movie, and I loved it; I don’t understand why you barbaric people hated it so much! Additionally, I have reviewed each of these movies separately, so if you’re interested in checking those out, the links to each review will be highlighted over the movie titles. Now, let’s get this s***show on the road, shall we?
10. It Chapter Two
I thoroughly enjoyed Andrés Muschietti’s 2017 remake of It so the concept of making a sequel to the wildly successful horror hit always came as an alarming scheme to me considering that the source material in which the novel is based on has a highly half-baked secondary story revolving around the all-grown-up members of The Losers Club. Regretfully, It Chapter Two ended up being exactly as I expected it to be: drawn-out, moronic, and a complete misuse of such a talented cast.
While I did admire the haunting creature designs in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, the movie itself left more to be desired. Admittedly, I never grew up on the books as a kid—I was rather a Goosebumps fanatic (sorry, not sorry)—so I may have not bonded with the long-awaited motion picture like some folks did. It merely felt like an amateurishly extended version of an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark—and a tedious one at that.
Captain Marvel isn’t necessarily what I’d call a “terrible” movie, but it’s certainly the type of blockbuster that I would gladly categorize under “vanilla-as-HELL.” It’s a forgettable, pointless, and defectively contrived adventure flick that lives at the depths of such duds as Thor: The Dark World or The Incredible Hulk. It’s disappointing to see that the first female superhero movie in the MCU—which, by the way, has taken way too long to happen—ended up being a vast waste of money and time.
Happy Death Day 2U is a Blumhouse cash-grab sequel that’s a complete retread of the original Happy Death Day, just without the imaginative wit or drive. This whole movie feels like a PG-13 Disney Channel TV movie—meaning, it has the childish writing, acting, and dialogue of a made-for-television feature but the raunchy blunder of a PG-13 movie. They should’ve never made a sequel; the first Happy Death Day was a solid stand-alone that didn’t need to be tampered with.
We’re officially 4 for 2 in the crappy Terminator movie count. Imagine: a studio wants to erase all their previous mistakes from the official Terminator timeline (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator: Salvation, and Terminator: Genisys) so that they can restart the franchise with a clean slate…and then they just end up making another mistake—except this one, unlike the previous three failures, is a light retread of Terminator 2: Judgement Day. The action has never looked more embarrassing, the plot is all too familiar, and the results whimper down to another reason to jot down on the list of why the Terminator movies never should’ve been a massive franchise in the first place.
Isn’t it just depressing that I’ve now had two Star Wars movies in my top 10 worst of the year lists? First Solo: A Star Wars Story and now The Rise of Skywalker—which by the way, is even worse than Solo. Like, it’s so disappointing that these new Star Wars movies have already reached this level of “bad” and it’s been like only 4 years since Disney released The Force Awakens. It’s such a shame. Anyways, do I really need to explain what is so utterly wrong with this movie? I’m exhausted from watching these Star Wars movies transform into studio orientated blueprints on how to please their obnoxious fanbase rather than ambitious and creative passion-projects. Enough said.
4. 3 From Hell
I feel so sorry for hardcore Rob Zombie fans. I do shamefully enjoy The Devil’s Rejects and House of 1000 Corpses isn’t that shabby, but by golly is 3 From Hell a dyed-in-the-wool disservice to the series. It’s a movie that has absolutely no geography or sense of idea on what it wants to be or where it wants its gratuitous story to go. It’s one of those movies that thinks it’s so meta for parodying its source material, but just ends up comically backfiring on itself. If I had to choose between going to Hell or watching this movie again, well, let’s just say, it’d be a tough decision.
Gareth Edward’s Godzilla is a good movie. There, I said it. Did you see Godzilla for more than 15% of the movie? No. Was there at least an authoritative sense of scale and intensity to that motion picture? Absolutely! What does Godzilla: King of Monsters have? Unbearable characters, shaky-cam/close-up CGI action sequences, and an unhealthy amount of fan service. Sure, mindless diehards got to see their favorite monster fight on the big screen, but at the cost of what? Getting a movie that inserts so much unqualified blockbuster nonsense that eventually gets real old real fast and even makes the greatest creature known to cinema seem repetitive and tiresome? Not worth it, in my humble opinion.
Sigh. Now, even though this movie is indisputably an atrocious superhero flick beyond disbelief, I wouldn’t say that I hated it. In fact, I, sinisterly, had fun watching just how horribly awful this franchise has become. In hindsight, X-Men: First Class, X-Men: Days of Future Past, and Logan, in a lot of ways, set the bar for how fantastic superhero movies can be. But, watching such a solid revamp of a franchise just coward back to the flaws of its original series but at such a miserable level that hadn’t yet been discovered was hilariously enjoyable to witness. Dark Phoenix may be an inexcusably convoluted film, but it’s an unintentionally hilarious one. Do yourselves a favor: watch it with the biggest group of friends you can gather up. Alcohol may be needed.
So here it is, fellas. My least favorite movie of 2019: the quote on quote, “live-action” Lion King remake. Not only does this movie happen to be the most despicable feature-length that this year has had to offer, but it’s taken a more special spot in my life as of the moment: it’s officially my least favorite movie of ALL-TIME. Yep, I am not exaggerating. Let’s take a glance at some of the classic choices that people would often choose as some of the “worst” movies ever made: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room and Amir Shervan’s Samurai Cop. Terrible, terrible movies. But, if you haven’t noticed already, these movies feature something that The Lion King simply does not possess: passion-driven ambition. The Lion King shouldn’t even count as a movie; it’s a greedy corporate product that managed to get millions of people to pay money and watch the same exact movie that they’ve already seen—minus the heart, minus the creative animation, and minus the charm. This is “legal plagiarism” if I’d ever seen it. I HATE JON FAVERAU’S THE LION KING SO MUCH. SO MUCH! IT MAKES ME GET SO AGGRAVATED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!
Deep breathes, Evan. Deep breathes. So, that concludes my least favorite movies of 2019. If I’m being quite frank, this year could’ve been a lot worse. Half of the movies on this list I don’t even think are that bad. I just happened to not see that many stinkers this year, which is delightful to recognize. The Lion King, truthfully, was basically the push I needed to make this list, all-in-all. So, thank you, Disney.