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Quick-Thoughts: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Okay movie, do you really think that you can throw Jessica Biel in our faces for 98 minutes straight and expect us to see past the bulls***? 

Well, you somehow fooled a lot of us. Ask this movie’s interesting fanbase…

Aside from a FEW creatively executed shots and set-pieces, this is one of the most wooden, abominably written jump-scare + gore-athon product pieces of the 2000s’ unethical trend of producing pointless slasher remakes where they make the central killer “BIGGER AND STRONGER; YAY” but don’t passionately consider anything of the latter. The pitch meeting for this monstrosity must’ve been like: “hey, how bout we remake Tobe Hooper’s fantabulous The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to near accuracy, but every scene/shot we copy from the original is going to be recreated significantly s******r. Oh, and let’s also make every character—especially the dreadful F-tier of an individual, Morgan—the lowest of possible lows a generic horror victim can be.” 

AND MICHAEL BAY’S GRAYSCALE FILTERING MUST CEASE TO EXIST. 

Verdict: D-

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Franchise Ranked [Coming Soon]

“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is now available to stream on Vudu, iTunes, Amazon Prime, YouTube, Google Play, and Starz.

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