Okay movie, do you really think that you can throw Jessica Biel in our faces for 98 minutes straight and expect us to see past the bulls***?
Well, you somehow fooled a lot of us. Ask this movie’s interesting fanbase…
Aside from a FEW creatively executed shots and set-pieces, this is one of the most wooden, abominably written jump-scare + gore-athon product pieces of the 2000s’ unethical trend of producing pointless slasher remakes where they make the central killer “BIGGER AND STRONGER; YAY” but don’t passionately consider anything of the latter. The pitch meeting for this monstrosity must’ve been like: “hey, how bout we remake Tobe Hooper’s fantabulous The Texas Chain Saw Massacre to near accuracy, but every scene/shot we copy from the original is going to be recreated significantly s******r. Oh, and let’s also make every character—especially the dreadful F-tier of an individual, Morgan—the lowest of possible lows a generic horror victim can be.”
AND MICHAEL BAY’S GRAYSCALE FILTERING MUST CEASE TO EXIST.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Franchise Ranked [Coming Soon]
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is now available to stream on Vudu, iTunes, Amazon Prime, YouTube, Google Play, and Starz.