So this is what Marty was talking about when he mentioned “cinema.”
I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed this much spoken exposition, listened to this many fake accents, and experienced this heavy of a reliance on abrupt cuts in my entire life. 125 million dollars, fellas. That’s comforting.
Yo, I don’t even have the energy to write a proper review for this movie! I’m convinced it’s nearly impossible to process just how unredeemable Artemis Fowl is. I’m sure we’ll have discovered aliens, created the formula for immortality, and achieved world peace before we even finish listing everything that doesn’t work in Disney’s latest live-action f*** up.
Lion King 2019 is still rock bottom though. Yeah, you heard me!
Verdict: F
“Artemis Fowl” is now available to stream on Disney+.
Burning the Celluloid 
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