Halloween is Upon Us! Here’s Every Final Destination Movie Reviewed

Final Destination (2000)

I want a David Cronenberg remake. 

Paranoia caused by our superstitions, confirmed into a reality. Candyman plays the fatalistic prophet to inform of a world that lives under the rules of warped predetermination. Death is rather a cynical dark comic who hints at every approaching human demise with hilariously *f**ked up* in-your-face signs. Gentle build-ups through a domino show magnifying every little occurrence for possible toppling to exemplify Death’s needlessly complex scheming. Not bad, movie. Maybe a bad climax and ending — some of the most pulled out of your ass ones I’ve seen in a slasher movie really — but mostly everything else beforehand, actually not bad.

All characters came with teleportation powers too.

Verdict: C+

Final Destination 2 (2003)

The practical effects this time around are even more upsettingly graphic than before — for better, of course? The sequel essentially follows the basic beats of the original to a T except, besides the safe-room idea from a veteran, the concept that Death’s plans are actually not inevitable as long as you bring in — cute plot device — a “new” life that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. It also lands the lore onto good old chaos theory territory, which is interesting to think about since The Butterfly Effect (2004) was then made only a year after this sequel’s success.

I think this could’ve easily gotten the full Saw sequel treatment given that it lacks the emotional tragedy felt in its predecessor for an obvious prioritization to showcase more gruesome kills, but it’s not completely hopeless. It adds a few new ideas to fraternize the ongoing violence.

The pregnant lady twist though was dumb as hell! So goofy, haha!

Verdict: C

Final Destination 3 (2006)

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD??? IN THIS??? WHAT??? THIS IS SOME PAUL RUDD IN HALLOWEEN 6 LEVEL OF WHAT???

Perfectly captures the anxiety you get before going on a rollercoaster, and I haven’t felt this substantial of a weight from tragedy since the original thanks to mainly Winstead’s “control of life” character and unusually above average performance for this franchise’s standards, but wow, talk about bringing absolutely nothing to the table besides ripping off R.L. Stine’s Say Cheese and Die! with its introduction to photo premonitions, and designing a few more mildly creative disasters as to be expected. It’s not enough to justify this whole movie for me; it’s literally just a remake of the first one at that point. The comedy has reached a new low somehow too. 

Also, the people saying right before they die “I’m not going to die” or “I can’t be killed” trend ought to stop.

Verdict: C-

The Final Destination (2009)

Damn, glad to see that this won’t be the final destination in terms of how special effects advancements go.

Yep, that’s the review. This is the Saw 3D (2010) of this franchise and I am not in the mood to talk about it. Let the rating speak for itself.

Verdict: D-

Final Destination 5 (2011)

The moment this premise was decided upon, the filmmaker’s should’ve immediately thought of making it a straight-up crossover with The Office (2005-2013) where Dunder Mifflin survives the bridge collapse because of Jim Hopper’s premonition. I mean f**k it, Todd Packer is already in this movie so what were they waiting for? Yet, this wasted potential for what could’ve been the purest of cinema is what we’re left with here today.

Secondly, I know it’s hard to believe, but I personally didn’t care if those two characters went to Paris or not. Why can’t all the scenes in these movies just have Tony Todd in them? It’s also wild how the only somewhat fresh concept this adds to the franchise — ruined in execution though by cringe Peter — isn’t introduced until two acts in. The writers took an L on that one.

Ending was pretty neat nonetheless + the collapsing bridge opening.

Verdict: D+

The “Final Destination” movies are now available to stream on HBO Max.

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