Quick-Thoughts: Chloé Zhao’s Eternals

Like Pugh being in Black Widow, Barry Keoghan (literally playing Rami Malek’s Bond character) is too good in this to BE in this.

Leave it up to Marvel studios to make the best concepts that their franchise have had so far next to Loki — both of classic yet beguiling philosophical ideas regarding the plausible intentions of gods, purpose behind creation, adversity at the cost of fruitful evolution, creation vs the creator, differing minded anti-superhero gods clashing against differing minded anti-superhero gods — into their worst movie yet. Seriously, congratulations for sucking the holy life out of these topics I absolutely adore by trivializing them into this exhausting excuse of a plot. Expanding on themes just doesn’t seem to exist in the world of Chloe Zhao’s (allegedly) The Eternals. Including as much dead space as possible, however, seems to be the writers’ biggest concern more than anything else here.

F**k saving (the MCU) Earth too. All my homies, we give less and less a s**t about saving (the MCU) Earth every time you make that your next movie’s dramatic tension for the trillionth time. 

Also: hate hate hate how they made that celestial, Arishem, the dumbest being that’s ever walked the face of the MCU thus far (intentionally committed though so this lazy story can function in the first place) and why are the deviants the same as those robots from 9 (2009)? Triggered some childhood trauma, I’ll tell ya that much! 

Verdict: D

2021 Ranked, MCU Ranked

“Eternals” is now playing in theaters.

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