Quick-Thoughts: Uncharted (The Movie)

In conversation with the Tom Holland blockbuster phenomena, at least Chaos Walking had the decency to be kind of original and meekly intriguing under those circumstances…

Sully: “I got a question: how f**ked up are you?”

Nathan Drake: “…”

Sully: “Your father is another goof. He gets busted selling off your mother Cassandra’s possessions to collectors among many, many, many other departures from our normative behavior.”

Nathan Drake: “And what’s this got to do with me?”

Sully: “Why are you pretending to be a treasure hunter?”

Nathan Drake: “…”

Sully: “Your brother was a f**king hump from Southie. Long-time thief, right? Family’s all criminals except for the old mom, huh?”

Nathan Drake: “And a couple nuns since you seem to know everything.”

Sully: “Last I heard she was happily married to a 12-year-old girl living on a beach in Thailand. F**king family’s dug into the Southie projects like ticks. Three-decker folk at best. You, however, grew up on the North Shore, huh? Well la-di-f**king-da. You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? One kid with your nuns, one kid with your older brother. You’re all Saint Francis on the weeks, then you’re dropping your eyes and hanging out in the Southie projects with your brother, the f**king donkey on the weekends; I got that right?”

Nathan Drake: “?”

Sully: “Yup. You have different accents? You did didn’t you you f**king snake? You were like different people!”

Nathan Drake: “Umm… you a psychiatrist?”

Sully: “Well, if I was, I’d ask you why you were an actor making a dozen million a year, and I think if I was Sigmund f**king Freud I wouldn’t get an answer. So tell me: what’s a web-crawling f**ker like you doing in the thieving business?”

Tom Holland as Nathan Drake: “Umm… well, families are always rising or falling in America, am I right? Hehe…”

Director Ruben Fleischer: “Who said that?”

Tom Holland as Nathan Drake: “Umm… Hawthorne.”

Sully: “Pfff. What’s the matter smartass, you don’t know any f**king Captain Charles Johnson?”

Director Ruben Fleischer: “We have a question. Do you wanna be Nathan Drake, or do you wanna appear to be Nathan Drake? It’s an honest question. Lot of guys want to appear to be Nathan Drake. Gun, ring necklace, pretend they’re in a video game.”

Sully: “Yeah and a lot of them just want to slam another treasure hunter’s head through a plate glass window.”

Tom Holland as Nathan Drake: “I’m all set without your own personal job application, alright Mark Wahlberg.”

Mark Wahlberg as Sully: “What the f**k did you say to me trainee?”

Tom Holland as Nathan Drake: “With all due respect sir, what do you want from me?”

Mark Wahlberg as Sully: “Hey asshole, he can’t help you. I know what you are, okay? I know what you are and I know what you’re not. I’m the best friend you have on the face of this Earth and I’m gonna help you understand something you punk. You’re no f**king Nathan Drake! NOW IT’S MY BIG TREASURE AND I WANT TO PLUNDER!”

And… scene!

Anyways, if you really want to see a decent Tom Holland movie about brotherhood, just watch Onward (2020). 

The plane sequence in this is genuinely a cool piece of action though! 

Verdict: D+

2022 Ranked

“Uncharted” is now playing in theaters.

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