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Quick-Thoughts: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Okay movie, do you really think that you can throw Jessica Biel in our faces for 98 minutes straight and expect us to see past the bulls***?  Well, you somehow fooled a lot of us. Ask this movie’s interesting fanbase… Aside from a FEW creatively executed shots and set-pieces, this is one of the most […]

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No Surprises Here, I Rewatched Halloween I (1978) and II (1981) Back to Back

Halloween (1978), 4th Viewing I can’t stop rewatching Halloween. You can’t ever stop me from rewatching Halloween. John Carpenter’s directing, the score, the suspense, Dean Cundey’s grim cinematography, the pure satanic nature of Michael Myers.  And ghost roleplay sex?  Oh but, aww, 70s Jamie Lee Curtis is such a doll. #wifematerial Simple remarks aside, this […]

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Quickie: Friday the 13th (1980)

2nd Viewing Friday the 13th: The prime example of a movie that does not hold up in the slightest. There are some dandy kills and cute women (and men; #KevinBacon), plus the “mommy stuff” is somewhat iconic. Everything else this movie has to offer, however, is the most amateur that amateur filmmaking can possibly get—and […]

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Doctor Sleep: The Long-Awaited Sequel to Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is Almost Up to Scratch

Mike Flanagan: He’s the man who made pretty mirrors (Oculus) and kinky handcuff sex (Gerald’s Game) petrifying. He’s the man who dared to make a coherent prequel to the wildly s***** and undeserving box-office hit, Ouija. He’s the man who found a solution to direct and release three movies in just the year of 2016—for […]

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Quickie: Hellraiser (1987)

So Hellraiser was…a lot more unique than I expected it to be. Like, I was in no way, shape or form prepared for this slasher feature. This is a really, really strange f****** horror movie. No, not even that. This is just a really f****** weird movie, form of art, however you want to call […]

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3 From Hell is Rob Zombie at His Lowest Demeanor, Even at “Fan” Standards

Just a heads up for some of the possibly befuddled people who do see this movie, no, you cannot get on probation if you’re a psychopath who murdered dozens of individuals (unless your lawyer is Saul Goodman) and, no, you cannot survive twenty rounds of machine gun ammunition to the body. Stupid movie. Drama Queens […]

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Quickie: Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

If there’s anything that I can wholly respect about Rob Zombie as a filmmaker, it’s that the man has always been dexterous at making his viewers claustrophobic and constantly on edge. Zombie’s Halloween II—a movie I actually think is fine; don’t @ me—has a rough opening where a young Laurie Strode (2) is chased through a hospital […]

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Quickie: Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

OMG DWIGHT SCHRUTE IS IN THIS MOVIE WHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAT? The first part of Rob Zombie’s Firefly Family trilogy, House of 1000 Corpses, is an aesthetic love letter to 50s freakshow creature-features and 70s grindhouse slasher-pictures, and while Zombie’s obscene, white-trash writing is definitely its own thing, it’s, unfortunately, an attribute I wouldn’t consider as a positive. The […]

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It Chapter Two: A Painfully Mediocre Conclusion to a Classic King Story

As the robot gods (Daft Punk) themselves once said, that was “toooooooooo long.” And yes, Daft Punk, I could feel it. In spite of what I thought of It: Chapter 2 as an all-inclusive film of its own, it may be regarded as certain that the blockbuster-ous scope of the scare-and-gag-driven follow-up is something that’s never […]

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It Chapter One (2017): Taking a Glimpse at Andy Muschietti’s Popular Horror Phenomena Two Years Later

2nd Viewing Well, this didn’t age too well. But it aged well enough! Psyche! I recall l-o-v-i-n-g, yes, l-o-v-i-n-g this Stephen King reboot back in 2017 when I first witnessed…it…opening night at a packed theater with middle school kids trying to bribe theater employees into letting them see the movie despite it being Rated-r. Damn, […]