Sonic the Hedgehog is Abominable, Yet, Technically Not Nearly the Worst Movie You Could Watch With Friends or Family

It’s amusing how an almost strictly made for kids movie was so savagely pounced by a nostalgically spoiled group of internet-raving adults. Due to a poorly constructed “character design” back in the year 2019 that many reacted to as if it was a near end of the world scenario, Sega’s innocent project was pushed back four whole months; smh, as if children (the target audience) would actually give a damn about a CGI character design. However, in the midst of this state of affairs, the finalized product of this latest video game adaptation may either disappoint or alarmingly jolt fans who grew up with the classic Sega game due to its immature nature that perfectly reconciles the beats of watching a motion picture like a child again. 

However, as a movie, the blockbuster talk-about is an appropriate DVD rental snatch for your 5-year-old niece, and an unintentionally hilarious ball for you and your young adult/teenage friends to belly-laugh your butts off too. Despite the content of the blockbuster looking awfully unwatchable in its first few teasers, Sonic the Hedgehog turns out to be shockingly “meme-able” rather than just flat-out boring. So, like X-Men: Dark Phoenix, I enjoyed it in those regards. 

Jim Carrey is the only actor here who is admirably trying to give it his all, yet the atrocious screenplay Patrick Casey and Josh Miller have implemented here is so utterly awkward that it cannot competently mirror Carrey’s quirky acting abilities. The relationship between our main character’s Sonic and Tom is a prime example of “artificial chemistry” that is, might I add, side-splittingly counterfeit to a point of grave embarrassment. Jim Carry and his simp had more allure than these two underwritten dweebs. 

It’s a shame that, at least to me, all the intentional gags in Sonic the Hedgehog fell flat. Even the few kids and parents at my theater were dead silent the entire time. The iconic rendition of the character, Sonic is, unfortunately, one of the most obnoxious mends to the movie considering 75% of the jokes come out of his mouth. I also merely have the stomach to get into how generic this movie’s plot is and just how pathetic its endeavors to be “heartfelt” are—robots will definitely be writing our future projects if we keep this haphazardness up. The blockbuster is littered with dated movie references to keep the adult audience from falling fast asleep, which in of itself is just insulting. Sonic the Hedgehog additionally features possibly some of the most blatant uses of product placement in cinema that I’ve seen in a while. However, while they are blatant, they were god-tier leveled priceless in a sort of scornful manner. I mean, BEST OLIVE GARDEN ADS EVER. THEY WENT ON FOR SO LONG BUT I WAS ALMOST KILLED BY LAUGHTER BECAUSE OF THEM; BLESS YOU MOVIE

Sonic the Hedgehog is a film that could sincerely believe it to be competent and in-fashion, but deep down comes off as one of the biggest cinematic trolls of the century. It’s strictly “made” for kids and it does mean well, but then again, a 95 million dollar budget is enough to “save” more needing kids as an alternative…

Hey! But the CGI was pretty good though, and I’ve now discovered that I have a bottomless, driving passion for Olive Garden quips! 

Verdict: D

2020 Ranked

“Sonic the Hedgehog” will be playing in theaters on Valentine’s Day.

Jon Favreau’s 2019 The Lion King Live-Action Remake: Why it’s an Absolute Disgrace Against Cinema

The Lion King (2019) Rant Review

I have high hopes that Jon Favreau’s The Lion King remake will go down as the greatest bank robbery in the history of cinema. Some of you won’t even know it because you’re so animatronically attached to your nostalgia, but if you have seen the original and went to go see this 2019 “renovation,” you have officially been bamboozled. 

If you couldn’t tell already, I hated it. And I hated it a LOT more than I expected to hate it. I recall back in 2017 hearing about this remake and verbatim devising only one—JUST ONE—dire wish which was for this supposed “live-action” reboot to not dish out to be an exact, carbon copy of the 1994 original classic. But as luck can occasionally run out in times like these, Disney’s latest strive to use our childhoods as a manner of enkindling financial luxury (AKA this anti-passion project known as the 2019 Lion King) has the courageous wills of a chair. Simultaneously, this revamp manufactures itself as one of those “rare, cinematic, copy-and-paste misdemeanors” which—in this case to my recollection—hasn’t been spotted out since Gus Van Sant’s remake of Psycho was released back in 1998.

Fun fact, I’m having a difficult time rating this movie because…I don’t even know if it’s even fair to consider it a movie? It’s more like a 4K transfer or 3D rendering of a movie I was already fine with in the first place except the bonus features of this special edition, consumerist marketed release features lifeless voice acting (rather than sterling voice acting), gammier music (rather than better music), zero charm (rather than…some charm), and an unnecessarily yanked out length (rather than a sufficiently condensed length). Reviewing the 2019 Lion King is like reviewing a damn product on Amazon rather than reviewing a movie on a media site. Are you (insert hyperbole here) kidding me? Is this seriously what film has come to people? Paying to see this movie in theaters after watching the original Lion King is the precise equivalent of ordering two different movies online and then receiving two identical copies of one of those movies but not receiving a copy of the other film you purchased—with no refunds too! 

For those who liked this movie, I want you to take a zen, quick second to close your eyes, and go through the rationales behind why you, quote on quote, “liked” this (ugh) movie. Sit down, crisscross-applesauce, put your palms on your legs, back straightened, find a steady pace for your breathing, and just think.

Did you like it because you knew ever meager detail that was going to happen? Is the consummation of being an egocentrically prideful know-it-all really worth blinding yourself to reality? That reality being that you are abusively forcing yourself to support a product that is directed towards unlocking memories rather than filling them with new, exuberant ones? When you whisper the lines of your favorite characters before they get to say them themselves is it out of love for this new film that you have chosen to watch or is out of love for that special, special film that already exists—that film you grew up loving—that film that is already at the convenience of your television screens—that film that needs no renditions, no visual improvements because that matter it was made up with long ago, long before, was the matter that made you love it in the first place.

Okay, no? Well then, was it the special effects—which is the only half-decent asset about this movie but the impressions of it wear off pretty quick and there’s no doubt it won’t hold up in years to come? Because, I can name about hundreds of other films (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Godzilla: King of Monsters, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, The Day After Tomorrow, etc.) that have astonishingly impressive CGI spectacles. Doesn’t mean it’s a good movie.

Plus, hearing actual, realistic-looking animals talk withers the effect and central point of making an “animated” film with talking animals because that medium allows the unordinary to seem ordinary. I am reluctantly perplexed why folks are calling this a “technical achievement” when Favreau had already accomplished this sort of marvel in Disney’s 2016 The Jungle Book—which on a side-note was an authentic Disney remake that provided a worthwhile reinterpretation of its source material’s story. It’s sorrowful seeing such remarkable special effects artists having to waste their talent on blather like this instead of on something with an independent narrative.

Think about it. I truly think you can improve the original Lion King—honestly, I do! But CLEARLY that was not the goal of the executives or writers (or plagiarizers) as they took no criticism from the original into account nor did they even think to add some fresh, respectable or…(hey, screw it!)…goofy ideas into the story that could shape the film’s set-and-stone source material into something, at the very least, different. I deadass would’ve rather seen the filmmakers here butcher this entire movie start to finish because at the very most they would be attempting to do something novel with the story—even if it sucks! 

How much longer are we going to be dopey zombies to this cooperation who treats fans with this kind of stunt? How much longer are you going to smack on a happy little smile and unconsciously like whatever Disney decides to cook up next? Are you seriously that submissive and compliant that you’re willing to crack yourself into digging something you already knew you dug decades ago just because it has a freshly squeezed, “NEW” scent to it? I guess it’s totally your choice to be a dog on a leash, right? You want to perilously satisfy the MOUSE (AKA Big Brother), don’t ya? I mean you do you. This outbreak has officially hit #1 on the first-world issues charts, heehee.

So, let me ask you Disney fanatics. Does this, truth be told, meet your criteria standards for an acceptable live-action remake? Supposedly, for most, it does, so let me step out of your path. Film fans, are you afraid for the future? This is the uprising, but quite possibly the end (we can only hope) of an inglorious practice that could become favored amongst American societies. You think brainless blockbusters, the “jump scare” horror epidemic, the controversial war of political correctness being integrated into modern films is an issue? Pffft! That is nothing when compared to the freakish thought that in our near future, duplications will be at large, and we will be at a descent where we will never be able to receive a remotely original movie…ever…again… 

I think I’ve gotten my point across. I think I’ve said all that needs to be said about Da Wion Keeng. Disney has officially made their first “product” that they are marketing as a “movie,” but at its heart, isn’t remotely what movies are about. F### this…thing? It’s an absolute scam. I can’t see any other pile of rubbish out there topping it this year. Peace!

Verdict: F 

This Movie is a Part of My List: The Prominent Crimes Against Cinema

“The Lion King” is now playing in theaters.

RANT REVIEW: X-Men Dark Phoenix

X-Men Dark Phoenix is the fourth entry in Fox’s prequel (/sequel?) quadrilogy about the pre-21st-century legends of Xavier’s school of gifted, superpowered mutants and is the twelfth flick in Marvel’s convolutedly swamped franchise. Despite the fans and critics’ disappointingly cynical response to 2016’s X-Men Apocalypse, it’s clear even more so than ever that Fox has learned nothing from their previous mistakes when it comes to this newest and possibly final installment—that is until the property is handed off to the feeding-machine of Disney’s Marvel Cinematic Universe—in this elongated series.

X-MEN DARK PHOENIX IS H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S! This movie’s script is as horrendously shoddy as Fan4stic’s script. I AM NOT JOKING. Every strand of dialogue spoken in this flick killed me with laughter and every story element dispensed in this made absolutely scant to zero sense or was just purely unjustified. For example, the interactive sequences between primarily Jean and Xavier were basically like listening in on a toddler and a vapid life-coach converse and it was utterly hysterical!  I am still completely flabbergasted from what I have witnessed with this unintentional hilariocity!

The action, special effects, editing chops, artificially murky cinematography, and poor old Simon Kinberg’s—a writer/producer who I do moderately respect, so it hurts me to say this—directing in this movie are insufferably grubby. LITTLE TO NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE WORKS. THIS IS A HOT, HOT STEAMING PYRAMID OF RUBBISH. GLORY BE, PRODUCTION ISSUES REALLY CAN AFFECT A MOVIE’S QUALITY.

Now as amusing and as much of a good old time as this enormity sounds folks, Dark Phoenix, at the end of the night, isn’t entirely a comedic triumph. Whenever the film isn’t being unconsciously obtuse, it’s just being woefully boring. This is an hour and fifty-minute long movie that feels like the length of a singular season of a CW television show. None of the drama is intriguing, none of it is ever merited, and none of it, is particularly, driven with motives.

The only reason I’m obliged not to give this final chapter an “F” is simply because I do think a majority of the actors and actresses here at least tried, especially Sophie Turner—that poor soul had to cry, so, so, so many times in this flick. Sure, a lot of the acting appeared to be piss poor, but what more can you expect when a devoted crew is given such defective lines 24/7?

This movie makes X-Men Apocalypse look like a cinematic masterpiece. Wait, no. This movie makes X-Men Origins: Wolverine look like a cinematic masterpiece! This makes Air Bud look like the cinematic equivalent to The Godfather! And…and…this makes Batman & Robin look like…um…Batman & Robin. Yeah, there’s only so much you can do to make rock bottom not look like rock bottom.

Okay, enough with my unorthodox insults! I’m not going to downgrade the poor crew that had to work hours, days, weeks, and years on this project. In fact, I feel worse for them than I do for myself because I did somewhat have a ball with this mess. That being said, I can only imagine how disappointing it must be to be someone who devoted so much laborious time and sweat into an assignment only for it to turn out to be an absolute embarrassment. 

The good thing is that there’s always room to keep making more projects and for anyone who worked their butts off on this keep on doing what you love. A grand handful of you have toiled on phenomenal hits like X-Men: First Class or Days of Future Past and I still adore you all to bits for thrusting moxie into those delightful creations! Except you Bryan Singer. You can f*** off.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix is effortlessly one of the most disappointing sequels of 2019 and is perhaps the 2nd or 3rd worst 21st century comic-book movie I have ever witnessed. But parallel to my relationship with the cult phenomena The Room, I had so much fun watching it! Cheers! 

Verdict: D-

X-Men Dark Phoenix Drinking Game: Take a sip every time somebody says “good.” May God have mercy on your soul. 

This Movie is a Part of My List: Ranking the X-Men Films From Best to Worst

“Dark Phoenix” is now playing in theaters.

Quickie: Seed of Chucky (2004)

Seed of Chucky kicks off its first piece of imagery with a gill of semen drizzling down an imaginary screen as its opening credits roll, ultimately communicating to the audience the ill-conceived tone it’s going for. I honestly don’t know what to follow up with…after…saying…that…

Newcomer to the director’s chair but longtime writer of the Child’s Play franchise Don Mancini, opens the flick up with an admirable, quick, two to three-minute dream sequence that is suitably conducted. In fact, I’d say it’s about the only admirable property packed in this monstrosity. Seed of Chucky is a dismally plagiarized version of Wes Craven’s New Nightmare that’s prime reason for existing is to annoy its fans to a fusing slurry. “S###” would be a marvelous word to sum up this…s###!

I’ve just come back from witnessing dolls piss their pants, masturbate to porno mags, call recovery hotlines, flash their genitals, impregnate humans with their sperm, question their sexuality, perform karate, and help deliver a baby. WHAT IN THE F### HAS THIS WORLD COME TO? THIS MOVIE THINKS ITS SOOOOOO F###ING META BUT IT’S REALLY JUST A CULTURAL EPIDEMIC! F###, F###, F### THIS S###! 

So yes, it’s as bad as people say it is. Don’t watch it. 

Verdict: F

This Movie is a Part of My List: Ranking the Child’s Play Franchise From Best to Worst

“Seed of Chucky” is now available to rent and buy on YouTube, Amazon Prime, iTunes, Google Play, Vudu, and Starz.

RANT REVIEW: Godzilla King of the Monsters

I am a Godzilla fan. The fella has pretty much played a crucial part in my years of growing up from childhood to young adulthood. And YES, I actually really like the Godzilla 2014 American remake which I find to be immensely underrated. So as one could expect, I had a substantial amount of anticipation for this long-awaited sequel to Gareth Edwards’ remake. 

I will sock the next person who directly tells me in person that story doesn’t matter in a movie like this. I am tired of this pathetic—I know, harsh—fanbase disliking and complaining about every negative review of this movie on YouTube and IMDb because they dared to say that “the story and characters should matter in a Godzilla movie.” These “fans” don’t understand that a Godzilla movie simply cannot be two-hours of pure, straightforward Kaiju action because at some point the movie will become tiresome and uninteresting. You need a somewhat cohesive story—and it doesn’t even have to be a smart nor clever story—that is riveting enough and makes enough sense to get the majority consensus invested in the presentation of a mammoth blockbuster like a Godzilla movie.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters reminds me of a Transformers flick. I am dead serious. Here’s the formula: insert repetitive CGI battles, cheesy military/secret organization involvement, crappy jokes, a kid in danger, disposable side characters, LOUD NOISES, FLASHY IMAGERY, and an excessively stretched out storyline. This movie is whole-heartedly on the level of the Transformers movies. It’s obnoxious in its execution and incautious to granting the audience any hints of effort.

Before I completely shred this movie to a melting pulp, I will share the one positive I had with this movie. Some shots in this movie look “wallpaper worthy” and are just effusing with epic colors and illustrations. Like, THE CGI WAS BEAUTIFUL. Primarily, anytime a fight was about to occur (and there’s only like three of them in this movie so I don’t know why people are saying that there’s a trillion times more Kaiju action in this compared to the 2014 remake but, okay) and you saw the two monsters standing far apart from each other, giving one another the death stare, preparing for a duel, it looked like something straight out of an avant-garde painting. Despite how despicable this movie ended up being, at least it had some praiseworthy visual design to it.

Now, here are the reasons why Godzilla: King of the Monsters SUCKS:


1. My Expectations Were Subverted 

This reason isn’t really a valid flaw, it’s truthfully my fault that it exists, but the first two trailers for this movie are immaculate. Like, they made this movie look superior to Gareth Edwards’ interpretation. The music set a far more serious tone than the actual movie we got, and it pisses me off how contrasting the marketing was compared to the movie solely on mood. 

2. The Characters 


I might’ve honestly been fine with this movie if they didn’t focus on the human parts of the story so much. But guess what? We spend about 75% of the entire freakin’ film with them, so I can’t really be fine with this reprehensible wastebasket! I hear a lot of reviewers saying that this movie has more monster fighting than the original, and really it technically does, but in a movie surrounded by so much rubbish in the plot and story of this blockbuster, they should’ve just went full in and changed that 25% of the film which involves monster fights to somewhere around 65% because there evidently wasn’t enough it to keep me entertained. 

I wanted to punch Vera Farmiga’s character’s stupid face every moment she was on screen. I wanted to slap Eleven in the face and tell her to get a hold of herself and stop screaming all the time. Every time Bradley Whitford’s character made any infuriating, sarcastic side comment, I wanted to feed him to Godzilla. And even Ken Watanabe’s character, I wanted to send straight to the depths of Hade’s grave whenever he brought up the concept of not killing Godzilla because he’s a king or some bulls***. Also, Charles Dance and Kyle Chandler’s characters, stop being the worst leaders in the history of film! I wanted everybody to die in this movie. I’m not a sociopath, it’s a fictional movie, get over it. 

In a planet with this many stupid, ignorant, selfish, psycho human beings, I—without a shadow of a doubt—would be fine with Godzilla and the rest of the creature-feature gang reining hell upon this gosh forsaken universe. I have lost care for anything that happens, and now all I have to rely on is that the fights will be, at the very least, well directed and fun to watch…

3. The Comedy

I think I laughed unintentionally during this movie as much as I laughed intentionally during Booksmart. For those who haven’t read my review for Booksmart, let’s just say I laughed a LOT during that film. So, in some cases, one—especially someone who studies writing—can have a good chuckle consistently at this movie’s writing and dialogue. It’s some of the worst I have ever laid ears on, truly. This is almost up there with “it’s a so bad that it’s good movie” except for the fact that this movie is primarily just a transparent bore, which takes away the fun of the film. 

Also, whenever this movie tries to deliberately interpose comedy, it ends up being worded in some of the cringiest configurations of humor ever. I swear, and elementary school child wrote this pile of a hot garbage script. They make a “time to get a new watch joke” in this movie. I AM NOT JOKING!

4. The Fan Service 

This movie is fan service porn for American Godzilla devotees who want to j*** o** in the theaters whenever an iconic monster from the Godzilla universe pops up. They literally put like twelve or so other monsters in here just so that they can end up doing absolutely nothing with 70% of them because they want to get suck-ups to keep their asses in the seat and cheer every time a monster from the Godzilla lore appears on screen for two seconds. F*** off.

5. 80% of the Action 

There is technically more Godzilla in this movie than Gareth Edwards’ interpretation. However, about 80% of the shots of Godzilla and the monster fighting action are either close-ups or involve shaky-cam, so typically you can’t tell what in the hell is going on, so in a sense, Gareth Edwards’ remake had more feasible action in it. And better action too!  The final, glorious and most certainly badass finale of Edwards thriller still defeats every action spectacle in this sequel by a longshot. You want to know why? Because you could actually see it clearly! 

Additionally, anytime there’s an action scene, it’s intercut with more tedious human stuff that nobody cares for! Just show the damn creature feature battle and leave the humans out of it for more than thirty freaking seconds! Stop interlacing between bloody nonsense and somewhat cool Kaiju battles! If I’m going to watch a dumb CGI monster movie, I want to see just the dumb CGI monster fights without any distractions! 

Random Sarcastic Intermission  (My Interrogation): 

I’ve loved Godzilla ever since I was a child. I grew up on the movies, the cartoons, the toys, you name it, I adore the giant creature. Apparently according to people who deem themselves “true fans,” Godzilla: King of the Monsters is only for the real admirers. I guess since I disliked this movie because it had a poor story, terrible, unlikable characters with ultra-thick plot armor, atrocious dialogue, nonsensical plot elements, action sequences that have way too many close-ups or weather disruptions so I couldn’t tell half the time what was going on, and an ending that is clearly made as pity fan service, I am no longer a devoted fan. Welp, I guess I must give up my Godzilla fan-pass forever. Looks like according to the majority of “audiences,” those who don’t like or love this movie don’t deserve it anymore or are just being a “critic.” Sigh. I am so ashamed to have wanted a cohesively put together Godzilla movie.


6. Nothing Interesting Happens 

I swear, people have been claiming that this movie is less boring than the original (original meaning the 2014 American remake). I just don’t get it, fellas. Nowhere at any point was I locked into any of the accorded events arising on screen unless it was a pretty shot of Godzilla, Mothra, or King Ghidorah. The movie already had dragged me on such an arrogant ride right from the gecko that it became difficult to be amused by anything else. The film is just exposition, after exposition, after exposition, after exposition, and blah, blah, blah, f*** your exposition-heavy movie.

7. Nothing Makes Any Sense

Godzilla: King of Monsters has got to behold one of the worst scripts ever developed in a blockbuster with this high of a budget. I could get into grave, spoiler-filled detail on how every vital or meager plot point is fallaciously illogical in every sense of the term, but this is a spoiler-free review, therefore I will keep it that way for those who still care to see this movie. Just know, if you go into this movie, your suspension of disbelief will have to hit quantities in the infinity range. I should’ve come prepared.

8. Godzilla is Sort of a…Wimp? 

I hear people saying that Godzilla is the ultimate definition of “awesome” in this movie compared to any other Godzilla movie out there. Yet, he needed so much random assistance from other characters in this movie. So much for being king. And it’s not the “assisting” that bothers me, it’s how we get there or why it’s happening. Godzilla doesn’t have to be invincible, absolutely, but he shouldn’t be forcefully carried on someone’s back in every act of this movie because the movie decided to interject a peculiar obstacle that stops our hero from saving the day just so we can have a reason for this movie not to end before the thirty-minute mark! Like…lameeeeeeeeee.

He’s not intimating in this movie also. He’s literally used as a plot device to save the humans whenever things get out of hand. I’m okay with the creature being a good guy, but I don’t understand why he is blindly always there to save the humans. He crushes those f****** 24/7 so why does he unconsciously care for our main characters???

I will admit though, in the last act, he does redeem himself a little bit. He still gets his ass handed to him—which is fine—and saved a couple times at extremely convenient moments—which isn’t fine—but there’s one, singular badass moment in there that genuinely put a smile on my face. That’s all the credit I’m giving Godzilla, however. 

Sidenote, but, dude also has the all-time greatest timing ever. For a creature who isn’t the fastest being alive, dude knows when the perfect moment to save a character is just when you think they’re about to die. Ew.

9. Plot Armor is at Level 1,000,000

I swear, Millie Bobby Brown—who is a phenomenal actress especially for her age—is a indestructible god in this movie, more so than Godzilla. She is the literal reincarnation of Superman. Everybody else is also layered in plot armor. F*** your ability to never die for the suitability of the plot. This element gets so out of hand as the flick progresses that it just began to irritate me at one point. Like, I’m fine with a little bit of plot armor especially in a movie this goofy, but there is such thing as too much plot armor believe it or not.

10. There’s No Sense of Scale

This can coexist with reason 8. Gareth Edwards’—as exemplified in both his interpretation of Godzilla (2014) and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—knows how to make things seem…well…big. He’s undoubtedly good with visual scale and making creatures feel intimidating and unquestionably feel like they are really there in San Francisco city or wherever. In Godzilla: King of Monsters, I felt like I was watching two cartoon characters fight on screen, encompassed by live-action footage of people. You just don’t feel the dread in this one like you do in the 2014 remake. It appears more phony than authentic.


Final Consensus: 

If you liked King of the Monsters, fantastic, you clearly have an immortal’s tolerance and I commend you for that. But to me, what made Gareth Edwards’ Godzilla so uncanny in its execution as a blockbuster, was its progressive build-up in tension. Edwards also—as mentioned before—knows how to make scale play such a crucial part in Godzilla’s presence as his design and atmospheric entries always felt more than practical and the filmmakers for that project did properly know how to place its musical score more appropriately in order to raise the potency of the flick.

Godzilla: King of Monsters does the near opposite. It panders to catered fanboys while tricking audiences who legitimately care for a well-told, absorbing story with the laziest script thus far of 2019. They had four or five entire years to make this anticipated sequel marvelous, and it seems to me like they plainly steered towards the easiest possible way out. Welp. This sucks.

Thanks for listening to my TED Talk. Now, you can proceed onwards with your life. 

Verdict: D-

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” is now playing in theaters.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is an Embarrassment to the Franchise

I find it grievously sorrowful that being a colossal fan of Harry Potter—considering I grew up with the books, movies, etc. and saw Philosopher’s Stone 362 times on TV as a child—I had scarcley to no anticipation for Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. This could be due to the fact that the first Fantastic Beasts—while certainly not bad nor even mediocre—was kind of just a nameless, yet, amusing entry in J.K. Rowling’s saga. 

So conclusively, I didn’t have virtually any expectations going into this new Wizarding flick, besides having the accustomed mindset that it’d at least curve out to be “decent.” 

“Psyche!” – Warner Bros.

Who would’ve guessed that the newest HARRY POTTER MOVIE would be the most boring—not necessarily the worst—movie of the year? Like…how? Y’all have got to be damn talented to somehow make such a magnificently splendid and enticingly alluring crafted universe seem so manifestly tiresome? Trust me, Fantastic Beast 2 is a SNOOZEFEST.  

J.K. Rowling, I know you and I have an on an off relationship. Let’s face it, I appreciate the world you’ve constructed for all of us; You’re basically the co-creater to some of my most fondest childhood’s memories. But… sometimes…you can get a little kooky with your work—and your public influence but I won’t dive into that due to the controversial incentives behind it. This screenplay Rowling…it’s not working for me, and based on most reactions I’ve witnessed, it’s not working for most critics/audiences/fans.

There is no proper reason for this movie to exist in terms of how it impacts the lore. You could literally release Fantastic Beasts 3 today, erase or “obliviate” my memory of seeing Crimes of Grindelwald, and I probably wouldn’t be too thickly, disoriented in the storyline. This movie is a spree of superfluous, aimless, and furthermore, disconcerting, expositional information, which on top of that, happens while way too many side-plots are all cooccurring at once. The filmmakers here have managed to make so much appear like so little. Now, that’s some real magic, ay?  

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald needed at least thirty-two more cuts until it should’ve been distributed. It’s a messy, messy, messy mess of a blockbuster. Glad to see that we’ve officially shattered the streak of never having a “bad” Harry Potter movie. (I raise my glass) Here’s to you, the studio who made this garbage pail of a catastrophe happen! Cheers! (Verdict: D)

Not gonna lie though, but the one time I was genuinely fastened onto a scene in this movie was towards the finale when Johnny Depp delivers this weighty monologue. Kind of dope. My man. 

Also, the special effects are quite pretty, but then again, what did you expect? 

I almost removed an entire half star from this movie purely because of the abundance of freakin’ utilizations of close-up shots during the first twenty minutes. Smart decision stopping that BS afterwords. Smart decision indeed. 

I sort of feel like rewatching all the Harry Potter films now, just so I can secure a festive refresh. MAN THEY ARE SO GOOD! Hmm…possible candidate for my next series of reviews?

This Movie Is A Part Of My List: Ranking The Harry Potter Movies From Best To Worst 

RANT REVIEW: The Happytime Murders

My eyes are bleeding…

It’s funny, I was actually psyched to see this one. Not necessarily because I thought it was going to be a quote on quote “good” movie, or I thought it would be an enthralling muppets entry, but because I thought the film’s premise would offer a really, f****** amazing time at the theaters, especially with a crowd full of friends, who would be in unison, laughing and howling at the stupidity and absurdity of the movie. That…didn’t happen. It more so played out in the fashion of us yawning, fatigued, squirming, mentally troubled, whispering over and over again “what in the f***”, and maybe, possibly, cheering or applauding at the end—deservedly done because the film had finally ended. The Happytime Murders, put simply, is a damn disgrace to cinema. 

Quick Intermission: You know maybe it’s my fault this movie seemed so unbearable. I was the one who had SOME expectations for this movie and furthermore pictured it to be a guilty, amusing time. Maybe it’s the expectations of having expectations that is, all to blame for.

Putting that aside though, I’m still going to rip this movie a new a******. 

Interesting enough, this movie despite its hard R-Rating, feels like a middle-schooler wrote it. It plays out like a bland, average, cliché movie filled with a bunch of inhumourous dick, sex, potty, and drug jokes—that I guiltily enough, found amusing during my pre-teen years. But trust me, that s*** only works in Deadpool, but this is no Deadpool, this is a Slaughterhouse, Jim Henson’s Worst Nightmare, Puppeteer Porno, and it made me want to—more literally than metaphysically—hurl. 

However, by far, this movie’s biggest mistake, is its attempts to be both weighty (serious) and comedic at the same time, and it just doesn’t flow, especially all that weighty BS. All it’s messages, morals, and themes are all so so corny—it’s the most corny corny can corningly get (It’s more corny than an Adam Sandler, family-friendly comedy). The screenplay is to be blamed for this; one of the worst screenplays of the year for sure. In fact, this whole movie is actually the worst movie this year has had to offer so far. I mean (gosh I’m just ranting at this point and I’m losing myself in these waves of words but…ahem…let’s just continue and get focused) I at least expected to laugh hard maybe at least a couple of times, but this movie tries way to hard to be witty and on-the-nose peachy, but it just results feeling shoddily cringy and painful. Some scenes which are supposed to be “raunchy funny”—cause HEY MUPPETS ARE HAVING SEX AND S*** IN A F****** PORNSHOP HOLY HOT DAMN—are actually engraved into my head, in the most negative manner—it’s essentially a curse. It sincerely made me question humanity and what we, as humans and filmmakers, have become. 

And don’t give me that: “Oh, you just don’t get it cause you don’t understand or appreciate dark humor.” Dudes and Dudettes, I am a literal sucker for dark humor, it’s my all-time favorite genre of comedy. But let me tell you, there is a difference between clever dark humor, and dark humor that is just dark for the sake of being dark because it thinks a hint of edginess is going to get me to go down on my knees and laugh my ass off.

Jeez, I need to watch The Godfather or even Happy F****** Gilmore (sorry for the bonus Adam Sandler joke) or something thirty times more before I become a pure moviegoer again, cause this crap makes me feel like I got some anti-cinematic virus lurking and squirming inside of me like a tapeworm. UGH.

 In spite of all the technicalities of the film—to quickly summarize—the editing, structuring, acting, dialogue, and (a little off topic but it’s got to be said) the green-screen effects, are all mediocre to atrocious. 

I know this may seem immature, but I’m about to make a dick joke cause this movie did a lot of em’, so I feel obligated to do one as well, and it fits the theme of this so-called “film”, and I just don’t care anymore, but Brian Henson and Todd Berger basically just jerked-off every audience that saw this movie for an hour and thirty-one minutes while taking our hard earned money in the process. 

The only reason I’m not giving this movie an “F” is because I enjoyed Bill Barretta’s voice-work, and the puppeteering was off the chains, and I can honestly see and respect the hard work and commitment that the puppeteers put into this movie. Besides that, if you fall under ALL of these categories: You hate your guts, you’re broke as hell, you’re divorced for being an abusive alcoholic, your kids hate you cause you were never there for them, you’ve got no family, you eat nothing but Pop-tarts and Cheerios every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you’re currently imprisoned for manslaughter, and you’ve got nothing else left to lose, then The Happytime Murders just might be the movie for you! Everybody else though is excluded from seeing this. (Verdict: D-) 

This is definitely my most offensive movie review yet. I’m so proud of myself. 😪

Four Words: Stanley From The Office

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) is U-N-W-A-T-C-H-A-B-L-E

Little would I know, that this franchise could actually go downhill after Part 5…

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare is nearly unwatchable. Events move so quickly without decent, vital explanation that you’re constantly transformed in utter turmoil of what is occurring. There are so many sequences in which the actors/actresses actually look like they’re trying not to laugh because of how hilariously goofy some of the scenarios are. Character motivations go without say, and it’s devastatingly obnoxious. The special effects are worse than TV show effects, which is pitiful considering this was allegedly supposed to be the conclusion to Freddy’s tale, so you think the filmmakers would at least put a bit more effort into the visuals of this flick. The kills this time around are absolute jokes and had me belly-laughing to death; the humor seems to work much better than the terror in this movie in an unintentional way, I’m sure. I’m not joking when I say this, but this movie legitimately felt like I was watching some sick, twisted Loony Tunes episode (that is, if the Loony Tunes wasn’t good and wasn’t entertaining). It’s that frivolous! The Final Nightmare is atrocity on a whole other level and it’s honestly one of the worst horror movies I’ve ever seen. Do yourself a favor and stray away from this…Nightmare. Sorry, had to do it. 😉 (Verdict: F) 

But seriously, f*** this movie! I hate myself so much for forcing myself into watching this. Even the most hardcore of the Nightmare fans shouldn’t have to suffer through any of this bulls***.

I swear, when we first got introduced to Lezlie Deane’s character I thought she was Jodie Foster. Then when it dawned on me it wasn’t her, I got kinda bitter… ;(

Freddy Krueger’s new backstory also makes little to no sense. It erases roughly everything we’ve learned about him from the previous movies. So, f*** this movie again for that. 

And what’s up with all these kids’ obsession with learning Martial Arts in this franchise? Is there some secret Martial Arts lore that I haven’t been exposed to yet that’s apart of the Nightmare sequels? 

This movie says “Daddy” more than a Fifty Shades novel. And that’s just…too much…

Two Words, Again: Johnny Depp

This movie is a part of my list: Ranking The Nightmare On Elm Street Films From Best To Worst 

A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989) Is A Tedious Mess

A Nightmare on Elms Street Part 5: The Dream Child is just actively all over the place. It’s messy, sloppy, and inadequately unorganized way too often. This movie isn’t even admirably atrocious (from a remorseful perspective) like Batman and Robin or Jaws 3-D, it’s just bluntly boring! This was immensely painful to sit through, seriously. Uninspiring and very very flat on constituting fresh ideas, The Dream Child is as pathetic as it is unnecessary. (Verdict: D-) 

This movie would’ve ended before the 30-minute mark if she would’ve just gotten an abortion. Just saying. I mean, you could either save the multiple lives of innocent others or one unborn child that could potentially become the next Freddy Krueger. What a hard choice… 

Holy s*** that little kid Sam Neill scared with the dinosaur claw from Jurassic Park is in this movie! It’s sadly the most engaging aspect that occurred in this entry…Oh! And the motorcycle/truck kill, which was somewhat perplexing, but somewhat enticing.

Two Words: Super Freddy

This movie is a part of my list: Ranking The Nightmare On Elm Street Films From Best To Worst 

Halloween: Resurrection (2002) Hits Rock-Bottom in the Michael Myers Franchise

Rick Rothenthal directed this??? Director of Halloween II??? One of my favorite horror sequels of all-time??? Oh boy, what in the hell happened… 

If a movie could be a literal, physical Middle Finger, Halloween: Resurrection would be it. Nearly every aspect of the film is an insult not only to fans of the franchise, but also anyone who respects cinematic quality. It tries to recreate the success of movies like Scream and Scary Movie, by adding a comedic twist to the horror genre, but in doing so, burns the whole Halloween lore in a blazing wildfire. If there’s one word that perfectly sums up how I would describe Halloween VIII, it would be “obnoxious.” (Verdict: F) 

New Rule: If a movie has “Resurrection” in the title (like this and Alien 4), MAKE A RUN FOR IT! 

Also *SPOILERS* Busta Rhymes electricutes Michael Myer’s in the nuts to death. Just let that sink in…

This movie is a part of my list: Ranking The Halloween Films From Best To Worst