A List of Some “Simplified” Spoilers for The Rise of Skywalker

SPOILER ALERT FOR STAR WARS EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

I’ve seen the movie twice now. I have many spoilers to discuss. 

• C-3P0’s inclusion is the best part of The Rise of Skywalker. “Search your feelings. You know it to be true.” It’s nice to see that the iconic droid has finally received a solid role in this trilogy. 
• Babu Frik’s inclusion is the second-best part of The Rise of Skywalker. That’s just facts. He’ll have a spin-off soon; give it a couple more decades. 
• Did anyone else notice how s****y the editing was in the opening scene where Kylo slaughters all those civilians attacking him to get that triangular map thingy? It seemed so off to me, like, it almost felt as if the scene was edited for a music video? That might just be me, though.
• Rey turns into Harry Potter—basically. Snake-lovers, am I right? 
• I hate how Rey is basically a god in this movie. I somewhat defended her character in The Force Awakens for being a “Mary Sue,” and now, it’s hit a point where I can no longer defend the character. The part where she just uses the force to try to pull down a whole tank-sized ship was flat-out ridiculous. However, Kylo is also overpowered as hell in this movie. Since when were Jedi and Sith so physically powerful? I feel like these convenient, god-like abilities sort of kill the spirit of becoming a great fighter and using the force “wisely.” Yoda’s got to be pissed.
• Zorii Bliss is a horrible character. She has a small role, yes, but her going from wanting to blow the brains out of Poe Dameron to giving him the only item that can get her off the planet and towards freedom minutes after was a true sign of J.J. Abrams’s weak spots in character writing. Dumb. 
• General Hux is an annoying, little, whiny brat and I’m glad his ass got blasted. He shouldn’t have been in this movie in the first place, nonetheless.
• Love how this movie just tells us stuff, and then just expects us to go with it. Like, I think this movie verbally communicates to us more information about what’s occurring in the plot than what is actually visually being shown to us. You could’ve had ghost Luke Skywalker sit on a bench reading the script to us for two and a half hours and we probably wouldn’t have missed a damn thing story-wise if we hadn’t watched The Rise of Skywalker. 
• Rey being a Palpatine is a draining concept. I’m sick and tired of this trend in Star Wars were every huge force-sensitive character has to be related to some other famous Jedi/Sith. Luke is related to Darth Vader, who was a Sith, but Luke ended up being good. Rey is related to Palpatine, who was a Sith, but Rey ended up being good. Honestly, Rian Johnson’s idea of Rey just having parents who sold her off for gambling money is a lot darker than her just being related to some old Sith Lord. These are just facts. 
• The lightsaber fights between Kylo and Rey are moderately entertaining; I can’t lie. Decent choreography! 
• Ben and Leia’s little moment was iffy. I like how they sort of disappear together at the end of the movie, but Leia’s communication to Ben being the reason why she dies was whole-heartedly a weak move in the writing department. 
• CGI young Luke and CGI young Leia. Need I say more? 
• Chewbacca was great in the movie—as always. The part where he breaks down emotionally after hearing about Leia’s death was the only genuine moment in this entire film where I felt something. Poor wookiee had to witness all his old friends die. Damn you, Disney. 
• I despise all the fan service and pathetic nostalgia that is cheaply used as a tool in this movie. Examples: Saving Chewy in a “bad-guy” ship like how Luke saved Princess Leia on the Death Star, all those shots of the destroyed Death Star II, Luke raising his X-wing out of the water like how Yoda raised his X-wing out of the swamp in Empire Strikes Back, etc. NOSTALGIA = BAD. 
• As you may know, I am not a huge fan of Return of the Jedi, however, the fact that The Rise of Skywalker shamefully reckons every crucial occurrence that happened in that movie was flat-out rude. Darth Vader’s sacrifice means nothing now since The Emperor is just suddenly alive. Secondly, making the last hour of The Rise of Skywalker a soft remake of Return of the Jedi’s finale but with the unmerited, fan-fiction-like Romeo and Juliet crap really weighed this film down for me.   
• Narratively, I’d say that The Rise of Skywalker is on par with The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, but it’s slightly better than those two movies pretty much by default. The Rise of Skywalker is a gorgeous looking movie (at times) so I’d prefer watching it over the first two prequels. That being said…at least those prequels had some original ideas, plus a plan. 
• The big, grand climax/finale of this movie is unquestionably the STUPIDEST event that has ever occurred in the history of Star Wars. From cheesy call-to-help plotlines and conveniences, painful similarities to Return of the Jedi, an army of miniature Death Stars, anything involving the OP Emperor, the love thingy between Ben and Rey, and horses on a ship, it’s all beyond DUMB. It’s kind of hilarious to witness though. I had some good laughs. 
• Palpatine shooting his electric beams up into the fleet and individually picking and pulling every Rebel fighter ship down with it is “WTF” mode x1,000,000. 
• Kylo Ren turning good was “eh.” Just like when Darth Vader turned good in Return of the Jedi, the transformation didn’t feel entirely earned—it felt rushed. Still, at least Kylo has a fairly acceptable arc in this trilogy. R.I.P. Finn’s arc, though.
• Prayers go out to Rey for getting blue balled harder than anyone in the entire galaxy. Now, that was tough.
• Can someone also please explain to me why this is the ultimate Star Wars movie with “fake deaths” in it? This movie makes you think that Chewbacca, C-3P0, Kylo Ren (more than once, might I add), and Rey die in the movie for just no reason but minimum shock value. Kylo Ren does actually die though by the end of the whole affair, and at that point, the death just felt wearisome. Cheap writing, indeed. 
• WHY DO THESE MOVIES KEEP HAVING TO END WITH A SHOT OF THE TWO SUNS? STOP IT. NO MORE NOSTALGIA. 
• Man, 2019 franchises haven’t been sticking the landing, huh? First Game of Thrones, now this? What’s up??? 

I think the saddest part about this entire Rise of Skywalker experience is that it’s almost made me “tired” of Star Wars. Like, I just feel completely worn out from all these Disney sequel movies. We’re just getting, basically, the same recycled narrative, lore assets, and character arcs over and over again, and it’s kind of sucked the life and soul out of Star Wars movies. This whole franchise was my childhood, yes, and I will always love a good chunk of it, sure, but it’s just not fun anymore for me. Maybe it’s just cause I’m growing older, but again, I’d like to think it’s because of these studios pointlessly over-killing a once rightfully praised property. I think all of us fans, audiences, and critics could use a long, tranquil break.

Oh, but f***, I’ve got to review The Mandalorian in another week… 

Verdict: D+

Star Wars Ranked, 2019 Ranked

“Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker” is now playing in theaters.